Today I worked with a client in the guest room of her house. She had someone stay there two years ago who basically overstayed her welcome. We'll call her The Visitor. The Visitor was supposed to be there a very short time and ended up staying for many months. It had a negative effect on her family. The family didn't feel at home in their house.
She was feeling out of sorts about it. She felt guilty about her family's experience. She was angry at The Visitor for not being a good guest. She was upset that she let someone take advantage of her. Plus she was bothered by the amount of stuff The Visitor had left behind. All those feelings were causing her to not do anything. They overloaded her and shut her down. She was feeling badly about that too.
I said, "None of this is your fault. It's what happened. Sometimes circumstances add up and exhaust us. The presence of this stuff in your home is affecting you negatively. The thing to do is get it out of here so you can start to feel good in your home again."
My client saw the mechanics of what had happened. She started to relax and not blame herself. She agreed to pack up everything and send it off. We went through drawers, closets, and boxes. She was amazed how much stuff The Visitor had left in her home. It was like a tree with many, many roots.
We put The Visitor's things in boxes and marked them. Then my client sent an email to The Visitor. We stood in the guest room and experienced the change.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
"No shame in taking a nap"
The past week has been very quiet for me. I haven't had any clients. It's been very good to rest and take it easy. It's been a busy year for me with the book coming out and traveling to cities to talk about the book and answer questions. This week feels like a mini hibernation. I can feel the value in stopping for a little while and recharging.
I wanted to see if there are any clutter busting questions that you would like to have answered. They can be specific about your particular clutter situation. Or they can be general in nature.
I've been getting a lot of nice and insightful messages from my blog readers lately. I love to hear about your clutter busting experiences. I'd like to share some of them with you today:
"I'm keeping it simple this holiday season. I never was a big shopper, but now, after you changed my brain, I don't even want to buy things I like. I actually get a feeling of happiness about not buying."
"After rushing my whole life, I have finally learned to just breathe and be in the moment..."
"I can totally relate to feeling that I need lots of choices, but then being overwhelmed by the choices."
"Thank you for reminding us how toxic our feelings about someone else's clutter can be to all concerned - AND that a reward exists when we find a way to deal with our own imperfections."
"Your description of your client picking up his red guitar with tenderness moved me. It made me stop halfway through reading it, pick up my ukulele, and play for a while. Sometimes we forget what gives us pleasure because we're too wrapped up in should-haves, must-dos, not-good-enoughs."
"Often we are obsessed with achieving and being workaholics and being responsible, that we forget to rest and regroup and center back into who we are. I used to always beat myself up and think I was lazy when I felt tired, now I realize there is no shame in taking a nap sometimes."
I wanted to see if there are any clutter busting questions that you would like to have answered. They can be specific about your particular clutter situation. Or they can be general in nature.
I've been getting a lot of nice and insightful messages from my blog readers lately. I love to hear about your clutter busting experiences. I'd like to share some of them with you today:
"I'm keeping it simple this holiday season. I never was a big shopper, but now, after you changed my brain, I don't even want to buy things I like. I actually get a feeling of happiness about not buying."
"After rushing my whole life, I have finally learned to just breathe and be in the moment..."
"I can totally relate to feeling that I need lots of choices, but then being overwhelmed by the choices."
"Thank you for reminding us how toxic our feelings about someone else's clutter can be to all concerned - AND that a reward exists when we find a way to deal with our own imperfections."
"Your description of your client picking up his red guitar with tenderness moved me. It made me stop halfway through reading it, pick up my ukulele, and play for a while. Sometimes we forget what gives us pleasure because we're too wrapped up in should-haves, must-dos, not-good-enoughs."
"Often we are obsessed with achieving and being workaholics and being responsible, that we forget to rest and regroup and center back into who we are. I used to always beat myself up and think I was lazy when I felt tired, now I realize there is no shame in taking a nap sometimes."
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Resistance as Clutter
Today I feel like talking about how our lives are changing all the time, but how we often miss out on or ignore the changes until the resistance creates clutter in our lives.
One of the people who attended a recent workshop told me about how she was stuck in the world of acting. It used to provide her income and enjoyment. But over time it began to wear on her. She wasn't enjoying the people she was interacting with. It was taking a toll on her health. But she ignored the effects and kept pursuing it and pushing herself. She kept going even though it was no longer serving her. When it finally became apparent for her, she found she had a hard time letting it go. It took a while, but she finally dropped it. She got her energy back. She took off in a new direction that strongly suited her.
Here's another story.
I used to live in Los Angeles. I thought I would never leave. I loved the year-round shorts weather. I loved the wide-open spaces and constant sunshine. But after a number of years living there, it began to wear on me. I was finding that I wasn't as happy. I was feeling a sense of irritation no matter what I did. At first I ignored that because of all my good memories. Plus I thought I shouldn't feel that way. It's Shangri-la! But then I realized, there's nothing wrong with LA, but it was no longer serving me. When I became aware of that, I followed a feeling to move to Chicago. When I got here, things transformed in a positive direction. The process taught me to be open to small changes as they happen.
In what ways in your own life might you be resisting change? Is there something that you are ignoring that is causing you some pain? Is there something you can do about it now? When let go of something that is no longer serving you, you create space for something new that suits you better, that serves you.
One of the people who attended a recent workshop told me about how she was stuck in the world of acting. It used to provide her income and enjoyment. But over time it began to wear on her. She wasn't enjoying the people she was interacting with. It was taking a toll on her health. But she ignored the effects and kept pursuing it and pushing herself. She kept going even though it was no longer serving her. When it finally became apparent for her, she found she had a hard time letting it go. It took a while, but she finally dropped it. She got her energy back. She took off in a new direction that strongly suited her.
Here's another story.
I used to live in Los Angeles. I thought I would never leave. I loved the year-round shorts weather. I loved the wide-open spaces and constant sunshine. But after a number of years living there, it began to wear on me. I was finding that I wasn't as happy. I was feeling a sense of irritation no matter what I did. At first I ignored that because of all my good memories. Plus I thought I shouldn't feel that way. It's Shangri-la! But then I realized, there's nothing wrong with LA, but it was no longer serving me. When I became aware of that, I followed a feeling to move to Chicago. When I got here, things transformed in a positive direction. The process taught me to be open to small changes as they happen.
In what ways in your own life might you be resisting change? Is there something that you are ignoring that is causing you some pain? Is there something you can do about it now? When let go of something that is no longer serving you, you create space for something new that suits you better, that serves you.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Return of the Flow of the Life Force
One of my first clients was someone who hired me to clutter bust her garage. When she met me at the door, I noticed she seemed very tense and cold. I could feel a lot of turmoil in her. I didn't know what it was about. Though I had a feeling it was from the effect of the clutter. She took me through her kitchen to get to her garage. My clutter radar went off. This was some kind of inner signal that told me, "Not there, right here." I looked around and saw an area where she kept recipe books. There were all kinds of papers stuffed and stashed and crammed in and amongst, on top of the cookbooks.
I walked towards it and said, "What about this?"
She said, "We're not working in here. We're working in the garage."
I was intrigued by the cookbooks. It felt like there was a spotlight illuminated on them. I sensed she was afraid of this area.
I said, "Let's work in here." She refused. I strongly suggested. I could see her eyes misting up. I knew it was a loaded place. By that I mean, there were a lot of uncovered and strong emotions surrounding this place.
She opened up and revealed that all the papers stuffed around the books were recipes. I asked if she cooked. She sadly said no. She told me how she got married as a teenager. She loved to cook, but her husband only wanted the same few bland meals. They were married for twenty years. For all those years she yearned to cook so many kinds of different meals, but stuffed the desires by cutting out recipes from the newspaper and magazines and hiding them amongst the cookbooks. She'd been divorced for two years. Even though her husband was gone, she still wasn't cooking from the recipes that she stored. She usually got take out from a fast food place or restaurant.
I said, "Let's take them out." I started pulling them out from the cookbooks. There were hundreds of them. I put them on the kitchen table. We sat down to take a look at them. She started crying right away. She was sobbing and shaking. I felt it was good to let her cry for as long as she needed to. Those tears felt full of old fears and even anger.
When her crying subsided, I suggested we go through one recipe at a time and pick out the ones that meant something to her now. She started slowly. But as we went along, she picked out the ones she felt excited to cook now. We got it down to about a little more than a hundred recipes. We got rid of many of the recipe books. They contained the bland recipes. That area now felt so peaceful and relaxed. Then we picked a few recipes and went shopping for the ingredients. She was so thrilled.
That's when I started to get the idea that clutter had the effect of choking people in their homes. It blocks the flow of the life force in people's lives. I could see it because of the contrast in her tense and diminished way of being and demeanor when I first got to her home, to her openness and joy and vitality when we went shopping for the new food.
I walked towards it and said, "What about this?"
She said, "We're not working in here. We're working in the garage."
I was intrigued by the cookbooks. It felt like there was a spotlight illuminated on them. I sensed she was afraid of this area.
I said, "Let's work in here." She refused. I strongly suggested. I could see her eyes misting up. I knew it was a loaded place. By that I mean, there were a lot of uncovered and strong emotions surrounding this place.
She opened up and revealed that all the papers stuffed around the books were recipes. I asked if she cooked. She sadly said no. She told me how she got married as a teenager. She loved to cook, but her husband only wanted the same few bland meals. They were married for twenty years. For all those years she yearned to cook so many kinds of different meals, but stuffed the desires by cutting out recipes from the newspaper and magazines and hiding them amongst the cookbooks. She'd been divorced for two years. Even though her husband was gone, she still wasn't cooking from the recipes that she stored. She usually got take out from a fast food place or restaurant.
I said, "Let's take them out." I started pulling them out from the cookbooks. There were hundreds of them. I put them on the kitchen table. We sat down to take a look at them. She started crying right away. She was sobbing and shaking. I felt it was good to let her cry for as long as she needed to. Those tears felt full of old fears and even anger.
When her crying subsided, I suggested we go through one recipe at a time and pick out the ones that meant something to her now. She started slowly. But as we went along, she picked out the ones she felt excited to cook now. We got it down to about a little more than a hundred recipes. We got rid of many of the recipe books. They contained the bland recipes. That area now felt so peaceful and relaxed. Then we picked a few recipes and went shopping for the ingredients. She was so thrilled.
That's when I started to get the idea that clutter had the effect of choking people in their homes. It blocks the flow of the life force in people's lives. I could see it because of the contrast in her tense and diminished way of being and demeanor when I first got to her home, to her openness and joy and vitality when we went shopping for the new food.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Flexibility
One of my friends told me that she went into her closet and made some honest clutter busting decisions about clothes she was no longer wearing. She decided to let them go and she put them in bags and drove them over to a consignment shop. She had originally spent a lot of money on the clothes and was expecting that the shop would want them and she would make some good money. However they told her that they didn't want any of the items. She told me she felt depressed and sulked about it. She wanted things to be other than they were. Her feelings about it were making her feel lousy. But then her mind got quiet and she thought the simple thing to do would be to donate the clothes. She drove them over to the nearest charity and gave them the items. It made her feel good.
I'm curious about how we have expectations about how things will work out. We get invested in that outcome. We start to feel good, or bad ahead of time depending on our expectations. I think it's our way of attempting to control outcomes. It doesn't actually affect the outcome. But when things happen like we were expecting, it gives us a false sense of accomplishment. We feel like we were involved in how things happened. But then when we want something to occur and it doesn't happen, it can make us feel powerless and that can make us sad, depressed or fearful.
I recently bought tickets to see the Flaming Lips in concert. The next day I won tickets for the same concert on a radio station. I picked them up and had expectations that it would be easy to sell them and make my money back. I went on Craigslist and listed them for sale. Three days went by and there was no interest. Plus there were a lot of people selling tickets to the show. I felt myself getting frustrated. I didn't like the way things were happening. I noticed this was making me feel very uncomfortable. I thought I'd feel better to give the tickets away. I gave the tickets to some friends. They were happy to receive them. I felt great, probably better than if I'd sold them.
What I'm recognizing is there are our expectations about what will happen and then there's how the world actually unfolds. We can do what we can to make things happen, but it seems the only thing we have control over is our attitude about what happens. It gives us the flexibility to adapt to what actually occurs and do something that makes us feel positive.
I'm curious about how we have expectations about how things will work out. We get invested in that outcome. We start to feel good, or bad ahead of time depending on our expectations. I think it's our way of attempting to control outcomes. It doesn't actually affect the outcome. But when things happen like we were expecting, it gives us a false sense of accomplishment. We feel like we were involved in how things happened. But then when we want something to occur and it doesn't happen, it can make us feel powerless and that can make us sad, depressed or fearful.
I recently bought tickets to see the Flaming Lips in concert. The next day I won tickets for the same concert on a radio station. I picked them up and had expectations that it would be easy to sell them and make my money back. I went on Craigslist and listed them for sale. Three days went by and there was no interest. Plus there were a lot of people selling tickets to the show. I felt myself getting frustrated. I didn't like the way things were happening. I noticed this was making me feel very uncomfortable. I thought I'd feel better to give the tickets away. I gave the tickets to some friends. They were happy to receive them. I felt great, probably better than if I'd sold them.
What I'm recognizing is there are our expectations about what will happen and then there's how the world actually unfolds. We can do what we can to make things happen, but it seems the only thing we have control over is our attitude about what happens. It gives us the flexibility to adapt to what actually occurs and do something that makes us feel positive.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Slow Living
I saw an article in Time magazine about Slow Family Living. It's a new approach to living for families that is moving away from being over-active, too demanding and greatly distracted.
The article mentioned, "the many fruits of slowing down, citing research that suggests the brain in its relaxed state is more creative, makes more nuanced connections and is ripe for eureka moments. "With children, they need that space not to be entertained or distracted. What boredom does is take away the noise ... and leave them with space to think deeply, invent their own game, create their own distraction. It's a useful trampoline for children to learn how to get by." I'm certain the same applies for adults. When we're no longer distracted by our clutter, we're more creative and happy.
I'm noticing that many of my clients are letting go of aspects of their lifestyles that left them frazzled and exhausted, and moving in the direction of slowing down. Recently I've written about clients whose bed-side spaces were overtaken by books, magazines, various papers, articles downloaded from the internet, and electronics. When I asked them about each item, there was a resistance to letting these things go. There was a craving that was in the way. Often there was a need to be smarter, better, and to impress. The desire was fueled by fear of not being enough. This anxiety disrupted their sleep, interfered with their connection with their partner, and diminished their health. By taking a closer look at their things, and seeing the negative effect it was having on them, they let them go. They were naturally drawn towards quiet and peace of mind. I think they get the intuitive sense that from a simpler place, they are more satisfied and resourceful.
The article in Time also quoted Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, who said, "The average child has 150 toys. "When you cut the toys and clothes back ... the kids really like it." He aims for a cut of roughly 75%: he tosses out the broken toys and gives away the outgrown ones and the busy, noisy, blinking ones that do the playing for you. He suggests paring down to the classics that leave the most to the child's imagination. Then build breaks of calm into their schedule so they can actually enjoy the toys."
This is good clutter busting advice for kids. It's also valuable for adults. When I work with adults they often end up clutter busting about 75% of the things we go through. They also let go of what they've outgrown or that no longer involve them in a positive and enjoyable way. And they like it! They feel good creating space in their lives, and they enjoy moving away from the hyper-living into a way of functioning that is slower and more suitable for enjoying life.
Slowing down can have a negative connotation. It can bring up fears of missing out and getting behind. Meanwhile, jamming our lives full of things, and constantly pushing ourselves beyond our capacities means we often miss out on life right now. We need spaces of rest and quiet. We function better when our homes and our lives are simpler. It's not about what do we need to make our lives better, or how can I be a better person, it's about enjoying our lives as they basically are.
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1940395,00.html
The article mentioned, "the many fruits of slowing down, citing research that suggests the brain in its relaxed state is more creative, makes more nuanced connections and is ripe for eureka moments. "With children, they need that space not to be entertained or distracted. What boredom does is take away the noise ... and leave them with space to think deeply, invent their own game, create their own distraction. It's a useful trampoline for children to learn how to get by." I'm certain the same applies for adults. When we're no longer distracted by our clutter, we're more creative and happy.
I'm noticing that many of my clients are letting go of aspects of their lifestyles that left them frazzled and exhausted, and moving in the direction of slowing down. Recently I've written about clients whose bed-side spaces were overtaken by books, magazines, various papers, articles downloaded from the internet, and electronics. When I asked them about each item, there was a resistance to letting these things go. There was a craving that was in the way. Often there was a need to be smarter, better, and to impress. The desire was fueled by fear of not being enough. This anxiety disrupted their sleep, interfered with their connection with their partner, and diminished their health. By taking a closer look at their things, and seeing the negative effect it was having on them, they let them go. They were naturally drawn towards quiet and peace of mind. I think they get the intuitive sense that from a simpler place, they are more satisfied and resourceful.
The article in Time also quoted Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, who said, "The average child has 150 toys. "When you cut the toys and clothes back ... the kids really like it." He aims for a cut of roughly 75%: he tosses out the broken toys and gives away the outgrown ones and the busy, noisy, blinking ones that do the playing for you. He suggests paring down to the classics that leave the most to the child's imagination. Then build breaks of calm into their schedule so they can actually enjoy the toys."
This is good clutter busting advice for kids. It's also valuable for adults. When I work with adults they often end up clutter busting about 75% of the things we go through. They also let go of what they've outgrown or that no longer involve them in a positive and enjoyable way. And they like it! They feel good creating space in their lives, and they enjoy moving away from the hyper-living into a way of functioning that is slower and more suitable for enjoying life.
Slowing down can have a negative connotation. It can bring up fears of missing out and getting behind. Meanwhile, jamming our lives full of things, and constantly pushing ourselves beyond our capacities means we often miss out on life right now. We need spaces of rest and quiet. We function better when our homes and our lives are simpler. It's not about what do we need to make our lives better, or how can I be a better person, it's about enjoying our lives as they basically are.
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1940395,00.html
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Calling Mental Clutter into Question
Here's an inspiring message from a blog reader about her experience with clutter busting mental clutter:
"Mental clutter can leave you stuck the same way hanging onto belongings you no longer need does. This past weekend, I cleaned out some mental clutter about relationships. I'd been struggling for a long time with feeling inadequate for not having a love relationship, when "everyone else" has one. I wondered what was wrong with me since I couldn't seem to attract a partner. I was sad about what I didn't have, afraid I'd be alone forever, etc. etc. Suddenly everything looked hopeless.
"Then I mentally shouted, "Enough!!" and broke the self-critical loop. I asked myself, "What are the gifts of being single right now?" The answers came instantly: autonomy; freedom; time to focus on my health, education, and creative pursuits.
"I probed further: "What do these gifts bring me?" Immediate answer: Increased self-confidence and enjoyment of life. "And how will these qualities help me?" Answer: They'll make you more confident and more open to all life has to offer, which will then attract the right person to you.
"So, what's the problem with not having a love relationship right now?" Answer: Nothing! I'd been beating myself up over nothing! Amazing what happens when you stop the chattering inner critics and start asking questions. Last night I had the most restful sleep I've had in weeks!"
Those are some great insights. Mental clutter is very powerful and debilitating. It's so loud and dominating that it can seem true. But when you listen to it and call it into question like you did, it begins to lose its power.
"Mental clutter can leave you stuck the same way hanging onto belongings you no longer need does. This past weekend, I cleaned out some mental clutter about relationships. I'd been struggling for a long time with feeling inadequate for not having a love relationship, when "everyone else" has one. I wondered what was wrong with me since I couldn't seem to attract a partner. I was sad about what I didn't have, afraid I'd be alone forever, etc. etc. Suddenly everything looked hopeless.
"Then I mentally shouted, "Enough!!" and broke the self-critical loop. I asked myself, "What are the gifts of being single right now?" The answers came instantly: autonomy; freedom; time to focus on my health, education, and creative pursuits.
"I probed further: "What do these gifts bring me?" Immediate answer: Increased self-confidence and enjoyment of life. "And how will these qualities help me?" Answer: They'll make you more confident and more open to all life has to offer, which will then attract the right person to you.
"So, what's the problem with not having a love relationship right now?" Answer: Nothing! I'd been beating myself up over nothing! Amazing what happens when you stop the chattering inner critics and start asking questions. Last night I had the most restful sleep I've had in weeks!"
Those are some great insights. Mental clutter is very powerful and debilitating. It's so loud and dominating that it can seem true. But when you listen to it and call it into question like you did, it begins to lose its power.
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