Changing Course

It's hard to let go of what used to fit because it felt really good when it fit. Even though it doesn't fit now, the memory is pretty strong. Sometimes memories can overtake what we're currently feeling, but it's hard to live in memories. It takes a lot of energy to animate the memories, the life we're currently living in suffers, and as a result we're not taking care of ourselves.

What helps is to notice when we start to become uncomfortable. That's the sign that what used to fit isn't fitting anymore.

I remember when I was a kid and my shoes started hurting my feet, because my feet got too big. I still wore my shoes a little bit past the time they hurt, probably because I liked my shoes. But then it was too much. I'd tell my parents, they'd get me a new pair of shoes, and I'd be happy to toss the old pair, because of the pain.

So I try to stay alert to when things start to not feel good. I've been in Phoenix for a couple weeks, but I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. Like it's time to move on. Lately I'm feeling like moving up to the Sedona/Flagstaff area because the air is cleaner than in Phoenix.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to -- I have an image of myself as a vagabond. That's uncomfortable, there's something vulnerable about change. I'd rather seem more solid. "Here I am, this is what I'm doing." I think that has to do with how I want people to see me. The thing is, I just want to do what's best for myself.

This whole thing of living in the Southwest for the winter is different from how I've lived before. I told myself I'll keep looking for a city I can live in that feels comfortable to me, for my job as a clutter buster and health-wise; to support me feeling good.

This whole trip was based on a strong intuitive feeling that Chicago wasn't feeling good because of the cold dampness, and I felt strongly to come to the Southwest. By being in different cities, I'm trying on different shoes. I'm walking around different stores to see how they fit. It's nice being in the shoe store because I'm taking care of myself.