Sometimes we buy or do things to feel better because we are not feeling good in the moment. Because we weren't thinking clearly at the time, these new things we bring in add to our discomfort. We brought in a distraction rather than something that supports our life.
This process is directed by an underlying feeling of, "I feel terrible, and I need to get something to feel better." Advertisements have trained us all to think and act this way. "If you buy ______, you'll be happy!" Because it's part of our culture, we don't question the logic and we get that next thing and bring it into our life which, after a brief period of excitement, ends up adding to the pain and agitation.
I remember going through a painful breakup about fifteen years ago. My heart really hurt. I remember having this thought, "I need to buy the Led Zeppelin CD box set." There was a certainty in this desire. I thought I would feel better if I got this. So I went out and paid a hundred dollars and brought it home. I was elated. It was great to feel happy again. I put on the first CD and was in heaven. I like Led Zeppelin, but I'm not a devoted fan. I'm okay with hearing Heartbreaker occasionally on the radio. So by the time I got to the third CD I felt bloated and irritated. These CDs were the equivalent of a monster tub of ice cream. Now I was feeling sad again, and bothered by the music.
How does one avoid going down this road? What I've found is that it helps to notice when the quick-fix feeling comes up. There's often a ravenous glee associated with the idea of getting this thing, person, or activity. It's like a crazed sensation. It's a marked contrast to the sad or uncomfortable feelings that had preceded this desire. I know from experience that if I can delay getting whatever manna from heaven I think is going to save me, there's a good chance the desire will burn out.
I've had some people tell me that they stop and ask themselves, "What do I really need right now?" Or they'll call a good friend, which helps them feel reconnected again. Others have said they'll let themselves feel the sadness or whatever uncomfortable emotion is coming up for them.
What works for you?
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7 comments:
I think your posts help bring awareness of what might be going on. I know it seems logical to deal with the pain than to generate more stiffling stuff. But I think it’s OK to have a purchase high, when our heart hurts. With some insight that it’s just a bit of retail therapy I might be less likely to get the big tub or the box set.
These posts make it’s easier for me to see when something has done it’s job and I can let it go or it’s just gonna remind me of the sadness behind it. I can see too how I’ve often (and still do) invested purchases with fantasy. But I’m trying now to get rid of it a thing after I don’t need it anymore to feel good or safe.
I have also bought many items to numb my sadness or anger.
To avoid this pitfall, a technique that has worked for me is to write the item (which I think - erroneously - will bring me relief) on a piece of paper or to put it in the “wish list” of an online site and... to wait. If, after ten days or so, the desire is still as fresh and strong, I might buy it. But I usually don’t, because more often than not I end up wondering why I’ve ever considered buying this thing in the first place. One less thing to declutter!
The ten days delay also gives me a good opportunity to explore better ways of dealing with anger or sadness. Not that it is easy... but definitely worth trying.
Thank you Brooks for making us aware that what we really crave for is NOT a superfluous item but the reconnection with our sensitive and beautiful self.
Awesome post. This happens to me often but I fulfill it with buying things for my kids. Which, of course, I regret that same night because it creates more toy clutter.
I rarely go into stores (because of going out with all the toddlers) but I do a lot of "online window shopping". That's where I start wanting things for fun and excitement.
What helps helps me is to step away from the computer and grab my chore list. I don't mind doing chores, I like it. I think that after I'm done with my daily list I'll come back and decide on those purchases.
I find that after I do my chores, the neatness and cleanness of my house is such a great feeling, I realize I don't want any more things in the house that could bring clutter. The order of things makes me happy.
Monica, I like how cleaning your house makes you not want to bring in any clutter.
Labradorite, yes, we want reconnection, a value we can't get from anything superfluous.
Cherry-O, I ended up reselling the box set when it was apparent to me what I'd done. It's like you wrote, I didn't need it anymore to feel good.
This is an excellent post. I think it defines the reason for 90% of our buying and cluttering. It is the heart of the matter.
I wish I had the money back for all the stupid things I've bought when I was angry or depressed over something going on that was out of my control.
These "things" never soothe us, they just make us more unhappy after the initial high wears off. Very good Brooks...thanks so much for reminding me of my past ways. I should copy your posting and put it somewhere I could read it every few weeks.
I'm glad this rang true for you, Linne!
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