Clutter has a detrimental and chaotic effect on the connection between
the people who share a space. It doesn't matter what your relationship
is - family member, friends, coworkers or partners. When the people who
share the space are willing to clutter bust together, they have the
opportunity to let go of the clutter and become closer.
1. Starting right. It helps to have a talk with each other before
you begin. You want to have an understanding that you are not in
competition. You are there to help each other. Agree to let go of the
clutter of the need to be right. You want to help each other ask
questions about the stuff in a way that encourages openness. You want
your actions to be motivated by kindness.
2. One of you helps the other. One of you asks the other one
questions about their things. You want to keep the questions simple.
Pick up one item at a time and ask questions along the lines of, " Do
you still enjoy this, or can we let it go?" You want to help the other
person decide for themselves with a clear "Yes" or "No."
If the other person is having difficulty deciding, chances are the item
is clutter for them. Recognize they are feeling emotional attachment and
be gentle with them. Rather than give advice, try telling the person softly
what you observe about them in the moment, "I noticed that your voice
sounds tense and tired when you talk about this thing. Also I noticed
that your shoulders are hunched up." You're not telling them they are
wrong. You're wanting to help them see the effect this particular thing
is having on their life. They probably don't notice. Helping them see
can help them decide to let go.
3. Avoid criticism. Avoid any criticism of what they are
doing. Ply them with encouragement, like, "You're doing a great job."
Don't give your opinion about things, for instance saying, "You should
keep that" when they want to let something go. Or avoid, "What do you
need that for?" when they want to keep something. Honor the other
person's choices. We can't know what's best for another person (though
that doesn't stop us from trying.) Your only role is to help them make
decisions for themselves.
When a person makes a decision about a thing, immediately put the item
in its appropriate place. If it's trash, put it in a trash bag right
away. If recycling, put it in the recycling bin. If it's going to be
donated, put it in a donation bag. If the item is being kept, have the
person put the item where it will be most easy for them to find.
4. Switching places. Don't have one person work too long with
their stuff. You want to stay fresh for each other. Take a break. Then
come back and switch places and now work on your stuff. It's good to
switch back and forth because of the empathy you'll have from being
clutter busted. When you do this with someone you are close to, you get
the opportunity to become closer. You learn how to honor the other
person's boundaries. And you get to learn how to be open and safe
together. If at any time you feel uncomfortable, stop and express your
feelings gently.
5. Dealing with shared things. When you come to things that
belong to more than one person, everyone who owns the things should be
heard. These include community items like DVDs, games, furniture.
Casually ask of the group (I've seen families do this together), "Do we
watch this anymore? Do we still enjoy playing this or not? Do we like
this chair, does anyone like sitting in it, or can we let it go?" You
honor the group dynamic when you question this way. You want to hear all
the answers. Again, avoid criticism and control. You want to hear if
this shared stuff is fresh for everyone, or can it go. If there's a
conflict, you talk about the thing in question. If one person wants to
keep it, you keep it.
(This has been a clutter busting repost blast from the past.)